In case of ROGUE ASSASSINS

Michael and I made lists of things we can do.  Why?  Because. 

I guess sometimes it helps to know that even if the CIA suddenly decides that you’re a malfunctioning 30 million dollar weapon, you still might stand a chance out there in the world. 

And while Michael and I can’t necessarily tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside, we’re not entirely without game.

Here’s what we can do.

Michael Can:

Find his way around a train station
Walk on stilts
Do accents (Australian, English, Scottish, Irish, Yorkshire, and a variety of American)
Navigate the LA public transit system
Sing
Give extemporaneous speeches
Operate a puppet
Sleep in close proximity to loud sounds
Drive stick shift (and on the left side of the road!)
Arrange education, employment, and lodging overseas
Turn up to work on time
Cook (at least 3 complete, well-balanced meals)
Clean a toilet and use a vacuum
Pay bills on time
Stay 4 nights in Vegas without luggage and reacquire lost luggage
Survive surgery
Ride roller coasters

I Can:

Take clothes to the dry cleaners
Navigate airport security
Juggle
Blend in at a Goth club
Drive a jet ski
Diagnose appendicitis
Shoot a gun (9mm, shotgun, and assault rifle)
Read music
Tie knots with my toes
Check in and out of a hotel
Stay calm and follow emergency procedures in an earthquake, car accident, tornado, hurricane, or snowstorm
Throw a punch
Catch fish
Drink 5 beers and walk a straight line
File Taxes
Speak conversational Spanish (as well as minimal Italian and French)

Wait tables

And that isn’t even everything!  Move over, Jason Bourne.