In case of MARMEE

I like to fight.

When I see some injustice, some wrong in the world, I want to fix it.  I want to make the people who did it PAY.  I want to crush the offenders utterly – by verbally steamrolling them, psychologically tormenting them, or physically beaming them with my American Lit. book.

In my life, I have actually said these words:  “I will never forgive him for that.”

And I’ve meant it. 

The problem is that I DON’T correct injustices.  I often can’t.  And so these things, these (perceived) wrongs, build up inside of me.  They eat at me like acid.  And the perpetrators grow large in my mind, they become monsters, and I will carry a sword against them forever. 

I will never – NEVER – forgive him for that.

There’s this scene in Little Women.  Amy (Kirsten Dunst) comes home from school one day with her hand bruised.  Her teacher has struck her for some petty misbehavior.  Her mother, Marmee (Susan Sarandon), is furious.  Marmee writes a vicious letter to Amy’s teacher that goes something like this:

“Mr. Davis – If you hit and humiliate a child, the only lesson she will learn is to hit and humiliate.”

Meanwhile, Amy’s sister Jo (Winona Ryder) wants to “beat the tar out of Mr. Davis.”

Marmee sharply reprimands her, “Jo!  We must not embrace violence.”

This, by the way, is a scene that unfolds with fair regularity in our apartment between Beth and I.

Because, apparently, we must not embrace violence.  That drives me wild, but I think it’s fundamentally true.  I think Jesus thought so.  So I kinda have to think so.  Even though watching Fight Club totally turns me on. 

I am not a pacifist.  Maybe someday I will be.  But there must be a way to do this, to not lie down and take things, to not violently rise up against things with anger and wrath, but to take the middle road of reason and faith.  Yes, there are things that cannot – should not – be endured.  But our response must be a better one.  Must be more mature.  Must be born out of a desire to actually fix things.  We cannot simply set about bashing perpetrators to correct their wrong-DOING.  We must set about correcting their wrong-THINKING. 

Later in the movie, Jo sits awake, writing a story.  Her sister Beth (Claire Danes) wants to know what will happen next.  Jo smiles sadly.

“I don’t know.  It’s all madness and gore.  Damsels in distress…

Oh, Beth, truly.  I don’t know if I could ever be good, like Marmee.  I rather crave violence.  I wish I could be like Father and go to war.  And stand up against the lions of injustice.”

Beth lays her head on Jo’s arm.  “And so Marmee does in her own way.”

And so here, in the quiet of this moment, I’m sorry.

To anyone out there I’ve fought.  That I’ve hated.  That I've privately, in the depths of my imagintion, beamed with my American Lit. book.  Tomorrow I’ll want to stand up and fight the lions of injustice again.  But tonight?  I just don’t.  Tonight I’m too tired to fight anymore.  Tonight I want to write a thousand letters to the Mr. Davises of the world.

Tonight I want to forgive.  

I want to forgive.